PLEASE DO YOU SMOKE?

Alright, first of all, I don’t smoke so dont think too far. Good morning people, how was your night?? :)Mine was fine thank you and in short, I had one really lovely dream like that; I dreamt of my first crush :p ...lol... really no jokes ooo... oya let me burst your brain, I actually dreamt we almost got married..lol.. When I woke up, I ended up shouting more God forbids than remembering the dream itself sef... lol.. Geez!! Chill, there is nothing wrong with her ooo... in short, She’s still very cute but you know, the closer you get to someone ,the more you know about the person.(*Whispers* I don’t want a girl who will finish my whole salary on trying to show off to her enemies.)...Anyway, apart from the marriage part, every other part of the dream as interesting. It was just like I was in an Indian movie. It was soo cool... i didnt feel like waking up again .. at least till we got to that part..lol.. . Well, I will be going to church by 9 and who knows what the service holds for me today. I have a feeling it's going to be gery great... and on the other hand, I am also having 6 tests this week!! Ha!!ok now, that's really bad news.... I feel so angry! But what can I do?? Who sent me to study computer science in the first place sef?? Anyway, before those porters start disturbing my ear drums with the bell, let me just give you the small gist I have for this morning. This morning, I will be talking majorly to the guys. Sorry guys.. No offence... not all of you tho, just some. This happened just yesterday night. Thanks to the extrovism of my roommates, this matter was brought to my room.

Really, some guys don’t even have sense sef. Must you talk?? Really? If you know you are not soo talented in keeping a long discussion with a chick, then why ask to buy her a drink?? Some get soo gistless that they even go and jam-talk sef. Some others even form gist sef... Oya let me tell you what happened yesterday night. So there is this guy in my hostel that supposedly smokes. Let us call him Mr A . There is this other guy who actually can be described by me as not totally normal because in my life, I have never seen any guy as stupid has he is shaa. Let us call him Mr B. So Mr B just became a friend to Mr A’s girlfriend and in the process of jobless talk which obviously was also a terrible mistake. Mr B goes telling the babe that “do you know your boyfriend smokes??” the girl goes “are you serious”..... And you know 100 level girls now, most of them come in with peanut sized brains... (Sorry no offence) ... then she says "Can you say this in front of my boyfriend??” .... now at this moment, any normal thinking sly is supposed to at least flee but well, Mr A proves his foolish and then goes “ ai le soro niwaju oloro ibere oriburuku ni( A proverb of the Yoruba people of Nigeria which directly translates to ‘Not being able to talk in front of the man spoken about is the beginning of bad luck’) ”... lol... the serious mumu Mr B now takes the girl to Mr A and says “Sorry o Mr A, Don’t be angry. i want to ask you just one question; PLEASE,DO YOU SMOKE??”

lol... chill, let me leave Mr A’s reaction to your imagination.... As dumb as it sounds, do you know this actually happened?? Well, the moral lesson is if there is no gist, then: Please, Keep Quiet!! Oya, me i am going to prepare for Church oo... remember it is Sunday. Please go to church. Remember also that God loves you and you can tell him all you want to. After all . takia and have a blessed Sunday. (ff @joeloseiga)

THE WEEK I WAS A GENTLEMAN

 Well, last week, I promised to start my character series. Let me start by saying it was a lot of fun . I really enjoyed myself.eh eh e.. Before I forget, oya guess what happened in school last week Sunday????? lol... you guessed wrong! lmao....I SANG IN CHAPEL!! Along with a couple of friends... hahahaha.. God!! It was mad fun!!... Those girls were just screaming, they dint even allow people to hear the lyrics of the song sef...lolzz last week was just really lovely. To make things even better, that was the week I decided to be a perfect gentleman. Everything was just perfect and you know that chill feeling you get when you enter your class on Monday morning and your classmates start screaming... lolzz there definitely could be no other better way to start the week in school than that. In short, I have never had this much fun in my life on this campus

THE RANTING OF A BIRTHDAY BOY

So, its my birthday again today and i am a year older. A year closer to when i get married and have my children. A year closer to acheiving all the dreams i have. I lay right here on my bed watching quite a number of friends flock around me shouting "Happy Birthday Ose" ... Gifts strolling in from left, right and centre. Here i am stareing at my phone as the battery bar slowly turns red from the receiving of calls and text messages. And here i still am, laying on my bed with a smile on my face but deep down in my heart, i feel great sorrow for a good number of things.

The affairs of my world are like the chameleon feaces on which i have stepped, when i clean it will not go. Some friends have led me among the sharps of the forest, returning is almost not possible and going forward, a great difficulty. So many things have happened to me. Things so bitter i cannot weep. I have been somewhere, if i turn here the rain beats me, if i turn there, the sun burns me. Then i discover i have wondered on the wilderness. A great wilderness men call life. And then i discover that as a man from my country, i have no kin nor brother. Death and Religion has made war over our house and our houseold is no more only the broken fence remains. And the crow and vulture hover always above our broken fences and strangers walk freely upon our portion. I am at the world's extreme corner. I am not sitting in row with the emminent but those who are lucky sit in the middle and forget.

I am at the world's extreme corner. I can only go beyond and forget. Here i am laying on my bed, stareing at the eyeballs of each of my friends with a smile pasted on my face and all,i can deduce is that "The firewood of this world is only for those who are patient and that's why many could not gather" . All these and even more are flashing through my head as i add a year to my days on earth and also a year close to meeting the man in black robe who steals the diamond like life from people without pity. And finally, i wish i could tell these friends of mine that the world is not good for anybody but they are so happy with their fate. And so, i lay on my bed with a smile on my face though with a troubled mind, enjoying every bit of my life cus i know pain and thought no matter how deep and hot still cant fry plantain. Smileing just like the proud African child with many sorrows which i am.

And here i lay on my bed smileing but ranting in my head. Happy Birthday to me. Wishing myself long life and prosperity. And RIP Kofi Awooner. (Ff me on twitter @joeloseiga)

HOW STUPIDITY SAVED MY LIFE

So, as I always do, to all readers of this blog, I wont to say a very big thank you first. As you guessed, I am still on holiday and trust me, you really don’t want to be in my shoes. The only time I get to have fun is when I go to the basketball court with the boys. Any other time, gbosh!! Dull time!! Hahan!! Even at  the court sef, I tend to wonder what is always wrong with ‘some’ kind of people. They will just be staring at you with their eye balls  shouting “What is this short boy doing on the court??”

Alright, you guessed right… that’s me in the middle of those two Iroko looking boys. Don’t worry, I know I am a little bit close to the ground.. but all my enemies, you better know it is just a matter of time! Hahaha! *just joking* so, today’s post “How Stupidity saved my life” . Well, yea you guessed right again. It happened in high school and it was between my guardian, myself and my mum. Read, Share, Comment (if you like), Like (if you like) but please save me a lot of stress by subscribing to my newsletter…. Thank you…  Enjoy the post J .

HOW STUPIDITY SAVED MY LIFE

 So back in the hostel, when I was a junior student, you know we were all young and naïve and well, not so innocent though. So that Saturday afternoon after prep, my roommates and I were just ranting about home and you know now, when gist finishes in the mouth of some juniors, the next thing is to form one. well, suddenly, everybody in my room had girl friends at home and they were all like: even my mummy knows her; she comes to or house very well ; mummy even allows her to cook with her for the family on Sundays ; my parents know I am dating her, etc and I just sat on my bed wondering if I was the only one whose parents will give a big knock on the head if I ever mentioned the idea of having a girl friend.. But one thing I learnt from Jss1 is that if you tell a lie and you are not in ss3, they will still catch you and you will so hate yourself. Well, my house was different. If you ever mentioned the idea of unnecessary fun, my parents will be like :

The World Sucks huh?? Then kill yourself!

Let me start by saying a big thank you to all the constant readers of this blog. I love you (I guess) and thank you shaa… and before I forget, a very big shout out to those reading this blog from UAE. Their number seemed to triple over the last few months. Well, my holidays have been really dumb and dry and trust me, you don’t want to be in my shoes. I have been reading, travelling, writing and doing things jobless people do shaa … and the bad thing about it is that I AM NOT GETTING FATTER!!! To worsen the case, mumsy has almost finished turning me to one of her sales boys sef. The only kinda good thing about this holiday is that I get to eat out almost every day. Sorry I haven’t posted anything for about a week now, my laptop crashed and I am still wondering why and how tho. And you really cold save me so much stress by subscribing to my news letter… Really! J.. Ok today’s post: “The world sucks huh? Then kill yourself” I just wrote it this morning after popsy’s mechanic came to fix something in his car and kept  on complaining to me about how miserable his life is… oh, and you can tell me what you feel about it ( if you like)  .. OK now, today’s post:

The World Sucks huh?? Then kill yourself!

First, I am not a motivational speaker, hun hun *SMH* no am not! You know why?? Because to me, those people are liars! Those guys make you think that you don’t have any problem at all. They make you think that life is such an easy place to be. They turn your head until you think that your problem is as simple as playing the primary school game “jangorrovver epo motor” (which I know is “jangle over like a motor”) until you end up making the wrong choices . Well, I see motivational speakers as con men. Have you ever wondered why their services are never for free?? You pay! And you know what they are doing?? They are “selling you hope” look, you have a  problem? It is big abi? And you know shey? You better sit down and think about how to face it.  If you tell me, Ose, see what is wrong with me, am I the only one in the world?? I have the biggest problem in this world, I am just tired! I don’t know what to do and all those other funny rants
……. No matter how bad it is, I will always give you two options;
 1)  sit down, think and face it or
2) go to the market, by a very sharp knife (from a mallam oo because those guys can sharpen the hell out of knifes), then go to your house, take the most comfortable position you can ever imagine and STAB YORSELF TO DEATH!!.
 Look, everyone has a problem. Really everyone on this planet does. Haha! Yours just crossed your mind right now! Or just now! Everyone has something he is forced to live with. It might be an addiction, it might be your health it might be an experience it might be anything! Back then when I was in secondary school, a teacher once called me and said “why are you always smiling??” I just smiled and didn’t say anything but deep down in my mind I was like “bros, do you expect me to paint my face black or something?” look, if you think your problem is the biggest in the world, you are jonzing! I have worked with people who have Aids and Cancer and even the ones I know still try to live a happy life.
If you have one leg, remember there is someone without any legs at all. If you don’t have legs, remember there is someone without both legs and hands. If you don’t have both, remember there is someone without both, who is also deaf, dumb and blind
Whatever it is, that your problem is, your brain can do the thinking.. Someone somewhere has a bigger problem than you do. So, you can try to solve yours, learn to live with it OR chicken out, and get a knife, do the world a favor and GBOM!!  KILL YORSELF.



The choice is yours. Oh! And remember, stabbing yourself is going to be soo painful and you will spend “forever” in hell!! And trust me, they don’t share bugger there . You doubt me?? Then try it

CHILL JOO!!……….IT’S JUST A BEND

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By Ige Temiloluwa)

 Growing up as a child, many things were fascinating to me about cars and their operations; their different  types, brands, shapes, colors and sizes, mode of operation and particularly how my dad got it to move was very amazing. I can remember turning  the “long metal rod with black balls on  them that stood in the middle of the two front sits” (which I later came to know was a gear) to a quick mathematics teacher helping me recite and relearn the figures 1-5 every morning, the letter “R” meant something to me (promise me you wont laugh) …..REPEAT!! So it had me reciting the figures over and over again.

Driving to school and church got boring over time for quite a number of reasons. The funny thing is I still can’t point out one reason. I just didn’t enjoy it. Even with all the boring trips, a seasonal trip remains refreshing anytime it comes back into my mind; the trip to my village during the Yuletide period. That was like the only trip I always looked forward to and no wonder my face always brighten up with deep smiles towards the end of the year. I loved traveling with my parents to the village. Then, just another Christmas came and I was once again anticipating the long, straight and smooth trip where we could always tell the end from the beginning (I am not God though but word from knowledge). To my surprise, this time, it was a totally different experience from what it used to be. Something totally different from the usual;  bumpy roads with quite a lot of potholes and bends. My eagerness and anticipation disappeared in a flash. The impression that the road gave took away my excitement and my young self  all of a sudden came to the conclusion that we weren’t going to the village this time and this trip was leading s somewhere worse with less fun. I slept off on the road because the journey was boring and tiring. When I woke up, to my utmost surprise, it was a lot better than the village where I thought was the best of places. The streets were good to behold. Big buildings with beautiful façades, well-grown and nurtured trees and a lot of paved lawns,  various tourist sites and many more. Guess where I was……. Abuja! Nigeria’s federal capital territory! … (And that was my first time there J )… well, I thought all I saw during the day was all there was to behold of this 21^st  century city in Nigeria but the night proved me wrong. Well-lighted streets with beautiful fountains, and lots of other fascinating things.

Now my talk ;) … many times in our journey in and through life, we have this unvoiced expectation of how smooth and uninterrupted our sail in life should be. Never envisaged being left behind by the school bus or being picked up late from school not to talk of having to miss school for a day because of a simple stomach ache or a slight weakness. Thoughts of failing a course or having to repeat a class is very wide and far from or well pictured future. It always has to be smooth and well worked out like the heroes  in movies who never die.

Memories Of High School: I AM NOT A BAD BOY

  Last week, I started the concluding part of Memories of High School when I talked about the Class’ Biggest Dullard. (If you missed it, click here) well, today, I will talk about something else.  The topic of today is I AM NOT A BAD BOY!! Of course, I am not and the secretly obvious truth is I was never and will never be one. Most of the time when ‘those people’  called me out on the assembly, punished me and did all manner of stuff to me, I never intentionally entered any trouble throughout my stay in school. Every wahala I entered was a mistake but what do you expect, bad guy things now.. If anybody asked me, I will end up saying “well, it’s nothing joo, it’s just one of those things” … huh!!? Heaven knows that deep down in my heart, I didn’t mean a single word and I always prayed for a cup Passover. Let me tell you about a few troubles I got into that gave me that look.

 I was between 9 and 12 years old when I entered jss1. I was very innocent I must say. The funny thing was that I started getting into trouble since jss1. On that good day, my class teacher who I thought was my best teacher (she was practically every jss1 student’s best teacher then) came into the class. She came to teach English Language which was her subject and of course, my best subject. Unfortunately for her, he had a sore throat and a cracked voice. Jss1A was known all over the school as the most demonically wild and troublesome class in the whole school so what did you expect? Both the teacher and the students were shouting at the top of their voice. My sit was the first in the class (say a big thank you to my height) and I was the closest to the teacher. Out of love and pity for my ‘best teacher’ I raised my hand a little bit above my desk and when she came to me, I whispered to her “Please stop shouting ma” .. Yea I know what just crossed your mind... Was I crazy? Was I mad??... No! I was not! I still don’t know why I said it sef I wish I had left her to fall sick from headache. Well sha, she gave me a dirty slap o… umm it was funny! I knelt down ehn… for like 2 hours then she made me face the disciplinary committee which she was a member of then. They called me out during Angelus (one kind of prayer like that.. we said it by 12pm everyday)  and gave me 6 strokes of the cain. It pained me oo don’t let me lie but still, shey I will be crying in front of the whole school ni?? Of course, “I dusted it”… lolzz.. it pained me but I didn’t move mehn .. . I didn’t !!  . The other palava I entered in Jss1 was the day our home economics teacher who unfortunately for me was also a member of the prejudiced committee came into class and my really stupid partner started annoying me so, I hissed at him. She then said who hissed??  Me, Mumu boy I raised my hand. Kai! I won’t forget ooo.. I still wish I didn’t raise that hand oo... Maybe she had a quarrel with her husband that day, I really don’t know but before I could explain myself, I had received a couple of slaps and found myself in front  of that bias committee again. The whole angelus scenario repeated itself but this time, I received 3 strokes. I WAS ALREADY POPULAR.