The World Sucks huh?? Then kill yourself!

Let me start by saying a big thank you to all the constant readers of this blog. I love you (I guess) and thank you shaa… and before I forget, a very big shout out to those reading this blog from UAE. Their number seemed to triple over the last few months. Well, my holidays have been really dumb and dry and trust me, you don’t want to be in my shoes. I have been reading, travelling, writing and doing things jobless people do shaa … and the bad thing about it is that I AM NOT GETTING FATTER!!! To worsen the case, mumsy has almost finished turning me to one of her sales boys sef. The only kinda good thing about this holiday is that I get to eat out almost every day. Sorry I haven’t posted anything for about a week now, my laptop crashed and I am still wondering why and how tho. And you really cold save me so much stress by subscribing to my news letter… Really! J.. Ok today’s post: “The world sucks huh? Then kill yourself” I just wrote it this morning after popsy’s mechanic came to fix something in his car and kept  on complaining to me about how miserable his life is… oh, and you can tell me what you feel about it ( if you like)  .. OK now, today’s post:

The World Sucks huh?? Then kill yourself!

First, I am not a motivational speaker, hun hun *SMH* no am not! You know why?? Because to me, those people are liars! Those guys make you think that you don’t have any problem at all. They make you think that life is such an easy place to be. They turn your head until you think that your problem is as simple as playing the primary school game “jangorrovver epo motor” (which I know is “jangle over like a motor”) until you end up making the wrong choices . Well, I see motivational speakers as con men. Have you ever wondered why their services are never for free?? You pay! And you know what they are doing?? They are “selling you hope” look, you have a  problem? It is big abi? And you know shey? You better sit down and think about how to face it.  If you tell me, Ose, see what is wrong with me, am I the only one in the world?? I have the biggest problem in this world, I am just tired! I don’t know what to do and all those other funny rants
……. No matter how bad it is, I will always give you two options;
 1)  sit down, think and face it or
2) go to the market, by a very sharp knife (from a mallam oo because those guys can sharpen the hell out of knifes), then go to your house, take the most comfortable position you can ever imagine and STAB YORSELF TO DEATH!!.
 Look, everyone has a problem. Really everyone on this planet does. Haha! Yours just crossed your mind right now! Or just now! Everyone has something he is forced to live with. It might be an addiction, it might be your health it might be an experience it might be anything! Back then when I was in secondary school, a teacher once called me and said “why are you always smiling??” I just smiled and didn’t say anything but deep down in my mind I was like “bros, do you expect me to paint my face black or something?” look, if you think your problem is the biggest in the world, you are jonzing! I have worked with people who have Aids and Cancer and even the ones I know still try to live a happy life.
If you have one leg, remember there is someone without any legs at all. If you don’t have legs, remember there is someone without both legs and hands. If you don’t have both, remember there is someone without both, who is also deaf, dumb and blind
Whatever it is, that your problem is, your brain can do the thinking.. Someone somewhere has a bigger problem than you do. So, you can try to solve yours, learn to live with it OR chicken out, and get a knife, do the world a favor and GBOM!!  KILL YORSELF.



The choice is yours. Oh! And remember, stabbing yourself is going to be soo painful and you will spend “forever” in hell!! And trust me, they don’t share bugger there . You doubt me?? Then try it

CHILL JOO!!……….IT’S JUST A BEND

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By Ige Temiloluwa)

 Growing up as a child, many things were fascinating to me about cars and their operations; their different  types, brands, shapes, colors and sizes, mode of operation and particularly how my dad got it to move was very amazing. I can remember turning  the “long metal rod with black balls on  them that stood in the middle of the two front sits” (which I later came to know was a gear) to a quick mathematics teacher helping me recite and relearn the figures 1-5 every morning, the letter “R” meant something to me (promise me you wont laugh) …..REPEAT!! So it had me reciting the figures over and over again.

Driving to school and church got boring over time for quite a number of reasons. The funny thing is I still can’t point out one reason. I just didn’t enjoy it. Even with all the boring trips, a seasonal trip remains refreshing anytime it comes back into my mind; the trip to my village during the Yuletide period. That was like the only trip I always looked forward to and no wonder my face always brighten up with deep smiles towards the end of the year. I loved traveling with my parents to the village. Then, just another Christmas came and I was once again anticipating the long, straight and smooth trip where we could always tell the end from the beginning (I am not God though but word from knowledge). To my surprise, this time, it was a totally different experience from what it used to be. Something totally different from the usual;  bumpy roads with quite a lot of potholes and bends. My eagerness and anticipation disappeared in a flash. The impression that the road gave took away my excitement and my young self  all of a sudden came to the conclusion that we weren’t going to the village this time and this trip was leading s somewhere worse with less fun. I slept off on the road because the journey was boring and tiring. When I woke up, to my utmost surprise, it was a lot better than the village where I thought was the best of places. The streets were good to behold. Big buildings with beautiful façades, well-grown and nurtured trees and a lot of paved lawns,  various tourist sites and many more. Guess where I was……. Abuja! Nigeria’s federal capital territory! … (And that was my first time there J )… well, I thought all I saw during the day was all there was to behold of this 21^st  century city in Nigeria but the night proved me wrong. Well-lighted streets with beautiful fountains, and lots of other fascinating things.

Now my talk ;) … many times in our journey in and through life, we have this unvoiced expectation of how smooth and uninterrupted our sail in life should be. Never envisaged being left behind by the school bus or being picked up late from school not to talk of having to miss school for a day because of a simple stomach ache or a slight weakness. Thoughts of failing a course or having to repeat a class is very wide and far from or well pictured future. It always has to be smooth and well worked out like the heroes  in movies who never die.

Memories Of High School: I AM NOT A BAD BOY

  Last week, I started the concluding part of Memories of High School when I talked about the Class’ Biggest Dullard. (If you missed it, click here) well, today, I will talk about something else.  The topic of today is I AM NOT A BAD BOY!! Of course, I am not and the secretly obvious truth is I was never and will never be one. Most of the time when ‘those people’  called me out on the assembly, punished me and did all manner of stuff to me, I never intentionally entered any trouble throughout my stay in school. Every wahala I entered was a mistake but what do you expect, bad guy things now.. If anybody asked me, I will end up saying “well, it’s nothing joo, it’s just one of those things” … huh!!? Heaven knows that deep down in my heart, I didn’t mean a single word and I always prayed for a cup Passover. Let me tell you about a few troubles I got into that gave me that look.

 I was between 9 and 12 years old when I entered jss1. I was very innocent I must say. The funny thing was that I started getting into trouble since jss1. On that good day, my class teacher who I thought was my best teacher (she was practically every jss1 student’s best teacher then) came into the class. She came to teach English Language which was her subject and of course, my best subject. Unfortunately for her, he had a sore throat and a cracked voice. Jss1A was known all over the school as the most demonically wild and troublesome class in the whole school so what did you expect? Both the teacher and the students were shouting at the top of their voice. My sit was the first in the class (say a big thank you to my height) and I was the closest to the teacher. Out of love and pity for my ‘best teacher’ I raised my hand a little bit above my desk and when she came to me, I whispered to her “Please stop shouting ma” .. Yea I know what just crossed your mind... Was I crazy? Was I mad??... No! I was not! I still don’t know why I said it sef I wish I had left her to fall sick from headache. Well sha, she gave me a dirty slap o… umm it was funny! I knelt down ehn… for like 2 hours then she made me face the disciplinary committee which she was a member of then. They called me out during Angelus (one kind of prayer like that.. we said it by 12pm everyday)  and gave me 6 strokes of the cain. It pained me oo don’t let me lie but still, shey I will be crying in front of the whole school ni?? Of course, “I dusted it”… lolzz.. it pained me but I didn’t move mehn .. . I didn’t !!  . The other palava I entered in Jss1 was the day our home economics teacher who unfortunately for me was also a member of the prejudiced committee came into class and my really stupid partner started annoying me so, I hissed at him. She then said who hissed??  Me, Mumu boy I raised my hand. Kai! I won’t forget ooo.. I still wish I didn’t raise that hand oo... Maybe she had a quarrel with her husband that day, I really don’t know but before I could explain myself, I had received a couple of slaps and found myself in front  of that bias committee again. The whole angelus scenario repeated itself but this time, I received 3 strokes. I WAS ALREADY POPULAR.